Garrett’s Chip Reviews
We all have that one pompous friend that calls themselves a foodie. The Dingus that claims they can taste the difference between a pinot noir and a pinot grigio. You might hear them say the phrase “I’m getting notes of oak” a few sips into their wine, or “turmeric is really such an underutilized spice,” biryani rice hanging off their lip. They swear they can smell the type of deodorant the farmer wore, taste the genetic makeup of the family that established the land their salad's lettuce came from.
I am not one of those people.
I will never be one of those people. And I have no interest in spending years refining my palate all for the sake of going to ridiculously expensive restaurants and maybe noticing the slightest increase in quality, all in the pursuit of impress- ing a date that I'm hoping won't know any better than me.
Obvious flavor is what I am chasing. I want to be jealous of the raw confi- dence the flavor has in itself. I want something that smacks me around and tells me who's boss, maybe pull my hair a bit if it’s feeling frisky. If this is your vice too, then you know there’s only one vehicle brave enough to weather the storm of infinite flavor possibilities... the potato chip.
Chips are destined to push the boundaries of societal norms, but with great power comes great responsibility. Once I finally stepped out of the comfort zone of cool ranch and sour cream & onion I realized there was an entire world of flavor combinations to try. The danger of the game is that once you turn on, tune in, and drop out, your eyes are widened to the world (literally global varieties) of the potato chip game. I’ve spent the past 2+ years finding, trying, and rating any chip I could get my hands on. The one caveat being the chip must be something I’ve never heard of or new to my market.
The following are the top three chips (hottest hunks? precious potatoes? captivating and charis- matic crunchy champions?) I've reviewed —
Trader Joe’s Thanksgiving Stuffing Seasoned Kettle Chips
If the goal is to find a unique and powerful chip then Trader Joe’s hits the nail on the dog- gone head. The stuffing flavor tastes exactly like grandmamma used to make, including the tablespoon of love she added for her favorite little one. The kettle chip is the perfect vehicle to illude you of an actual meal being eaten. Proper restraint of the turkey flavor is crucial, as artificial meat flavors tend to be overbearing. (One of the many fun facts you learn tasting chips.) The only downside to this chip is it’s only available during the holiday season, and by then, all of the proper stuffing you’ve eaten has already tacked a few lbs. onto your waist.
Zapp's Voodoo Heat
Talk about a chip that brings the heat (pun certainly intended), and don’t you dare get this confused with regular Zapp’s Voodoo. The best way to describe the voodoo flavor is a milder salt and vinegar style with a hint of sweetness. The flavor is eccentric and exciting, with the additional heat rounding out the moment, making sure every taste bud is invited to the party. Experiencing the deadly dance of Vinegar vs. Heat on the kettle-crisped dance floor really appeals to the inner masochist. I mean, what’s pleasure without a little pain?
Lay's India's Magic Masala
I’ll throw some extra emphasis on the word “magic” here. If these were more readily available, they’d easily be a regularly stocked pantry item. While I am no expert on authentic masala flavor, this chip is everything I have been searching for, performed in a defined three act show: Act 1 – Exposition, the buttery, creamy wave that sets a clear landscape for immersion into the flavor to follow. Act 2 – Rising Action, the thoughtful combination of Indian spices that dance on your tongue, inviting you to take relax and brace for, Act 3 - Climax, chili heat that quickly establishes dominance and leaves you begging to bury your face in the bag. Be warned, once you have these chips there is no going back.